As children, when we experience distressing events and/or our emotional needs are not met on a consistent basis, we have no way to make sense of the resulting pain other than “something bad is happening to me, I feel bad, that must mean I am bad.” Since we are dependent upon our caregivers for survival, it would be dangerous to think “they are wrong or bad” so we therefore develop the belief “I must be unworthy of having my needs met. I am unlovable.” These core beliefs are subconscious and create a recurrent sense of shame.
Emotions in and of themselves are not negative and often serve a valuable purpose. Shame serves to keep us behaving in a way that is suitable to our caregivers and social environment. A healthy shame response sends the signal that a certain action is inappropriate for the situation, therefore helping to modify the behavior to be socially beneficial. However, when we have residual chronic shame from childhood wounds, it is no longer helping us survive, and is instead blocking us from our essence— our inherent qualities of strength, wisdom, clarity, and love. Toxic shame negatively impacts our relationship with ourselves, others, and the world. The energy of toxic shame is a shrinking, protective stance. The energy of self love is expansive, radiant, and calm.
So how do we heal from chronic shame? The solution is self compassion. Self compassion looks like talking to yourself kindly and soothing that wounded inner child. Self compassion means forgiving yourself for your mistakes, encouraging yourself, and taking care of yourself. Some examples of compassionate self talk: You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. No one is perfect, mistakes are how we learn. Even though I ____, I still unconditionally love and accept myself. I don’t feel like doing _____ but I know it’s what’s best for me and will help me in the long run.
We have to separate from the inner voice that shames us. We can notice it, acknowledge it’s outdated attempt to help us, and firmly affirm that it is no longer needed here. Kick out the shaming voice and replace it with self soothing. What does your inner child need to hear in order to feel safe?
Recovering from early shame is hard work, and you don’t need to do it alone. Therapy can help you heal from chronic shame and reconnect with your brightest, most spacious and abundant self.